10 Hair Solutions for Britney
May 2nd, 2007 | Author: Shoppy Balboa | Category: Health and Beauty | |By Michael Danzig
So Britney is bald… and I can’t stop laughing. What ever happened to that smokin’ hot pop star we couldn’t get enough of? She’s gaining weight, bouncing in and out of rehab weekly, and sporting a hair style most commonly associated with short, stocky men. Oh Britney, what should we do with you? Or, better question, what should you do with your glistening bald noggin? Here are a few tips for Britney and the bald alike:
- Keep it shiny: Being bald comes with many responsibilities, one of which is keeping that dome as shiny as Lil’ Jon’s platinum grill. The HeadBlade HeadLube Moisturizer will keep your head slick, so that the sun will bounce off of it as you’ve always dreamt it would. Blind oncoming traffic with your bald rays of glory!
- Keep it protected: Now that you’re bald, you have to protect your exposed scalp. Just go outside on a sunny day, and that thing will overheat faster than a Ford Festiva. You might want to look into something like Sharps Mission Control Bald Head Balm. With an SPF of 15, your hairless dome will be protected from those fierce UV rays. As Britney spirals down the path of no return, she should at least protect herself from global warming.
- Keep it colorful: Just because you’re bald doesn’t mean your cranium can’t be a canvas of color. With the Sanford and Expo2 Low Odor Dry-Eras Kit, Britney, along with all the other clean tops out there, can use their heads as a helpful white board. Think about it. You’ll never have to carry around paper, an organizer, or a laptop ever again. Better yet, let your friends sign your head! Who knows, you might start a new artistic movement, “post-modern baldness.”
- Keep it Hollywood: If baldness doesn’t mesh with your lifestyle (i.e. Britney Spears), take on a new personality, preferably one of a bald celebrity like…Howie Mandell. With Deal or No Deal riding high in the ratings, Howie’s ripe for impersonation. Grab some light reading material (Hidden Howie: True Stories from the Private Life of a Public Nuisance, an Amazon Short) and find out how to look, act, and become more like Mr. Mandell.
- Keep it majestic: Don’t be afraid to hide that baldness with class. Something as simple as a modest crown (Regal King Crown/Sparkling Heart Tiara ) can make you feel like a princess again…as well as take some attention away from that unpleasant scalp mole. Britney, take this to heart: an elegant head adornment may – I repeat, may – help you put the “buzz” back in “buzz cut.”
- Keep it “squeegeed”: What would you do if it rained on your bald head? Is that not the eternal question? Your mighty skull canvas now in ruins, how do you dry your head? Something like the Detailer’s Choice Window Washer Squeegee would allow Britney to divert water away from her already “washed up” career.
- Keep it plunged: Some may not parade their baldness openly. So a new age head covering may be in order for the timidly balding population. The plunger can serve many functions. While the tool has revolutionized the wash room experience, it can also form a water-tight seal along your naked scalp. Imagine the potential of a hat that stands firm on a windy day.
- Keep it smilin’: What’s the best job for Baldy-locks? As a member of the hairless elite, she’s only a few steps removed from full-fledged clown. To complete the full clown facelift, just don a red foam nose and some big clown shoes. As certain hamburger peddling clown might ask, Britney, do you believe in magic?
- Keep it educational: What if you’re bald and dumb? If you can’t cure the baldness, at least try to educate yourself, Ms. Spears. I recommend the VTech Turn ‘N Learn Butterfly. Not only do nursery rhymes spew from its wise speakers, it doubles as a hair accessory. Now when Britney forgets the words to “Mary had a little lamb” she need not break into a cold sweat. She’ll make it back into the business yet!
- Keep it covered (For Britney only): Britney, please! Cover up that lumpy, bald monstrosity once and for all! Why hot try the Desperate Flirt Wig. It’s a sexy piece of faux hair that’ll cover up that blinding baldness, and give you the tools to bag the next future ex-husband.
To every bald person out there: Don’t be ashamed of your bald head, rather, enjoy it, and “wear” it with pride. Everyone becomes bald eventually, so consider yourself ahead of the pack.
To Ms. Spears: Your hair options are dwindling almost as fast as your career options. If you don’t consider the Hair Club for Women soon, you may find yourself taking up work as a Macy’s store window mannequin (unless there’s some sort of IQ test involved). All in all stay in indoors, massage that scalp and don’t come out until you grow that hair back!
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