10 DO-IT-YOURSELF BOOKS FOR THE SOCIALLY INEPT
April 27th, 2007 | Author: The Shopping Pumpkins | Category: how to books | |By Scott Hinners
If common sense is any indication, buyers of “Do-It-Yourself” books are potentially helpless individuals. While sympathy for their uninformed plights may be warranted, it is certainly not the occasional hobbyist that gravitates towards these books. In fact, people buying more than ONE “how to” guide should seriously consider their social standing and examine if their mothers really deserve position number one on their short list of friends. The following books for do-it-yourselfers depict far more than mere hobbies and indicate a need for some major life overhaul – quite possibly more than any one, two, or even ten books could deliver:
10. How to Grow More Vegetables and Fruits: (And Fruits, Nuts, Berries, Grains, and Other Crops)
Let me get this straight… you’re trying to grow MORE vegetables and fruits?! Can I safely assume you are already farming fruits/vegetables on a regular basis and are simply unclear as to how to grow more of them? Do you really need a book to tell you how to increase the amount of turnips you’re pulling up? Here’s what the book will tell you: Plant more turnips.
9. How to Start A Conversation And Make Friends: Revised And Updated
The blind are truly leading the blind here., Not only are you too maladjusted to make friends, but the author apparently couldn’t get it right the first time either, hence the “revised and updated” edition. Do you really think that your lack of new buddies is due to not knowing the three P’s of conversational friend-making? Maybe the root of your problem lies in poor hygiene and your aforementioned passion for turnip harvesting.
8. How to Boil Water
The fact that this book even exists is disheartening. Step 1: Put a pot of water on the stove
Step 2: Turn stove ON… THAT’S IT! Do you really need a book to tell you this?!
7. Puppet do-it-yourself book;: A handbook for beginners and teachers with three hand-puppet plays (An Exposition-university book) (Unknown Binding)
Congratulations! You’ve finally worked up to three hand-puppets for your dinky puppet theater. Unfortunately, you haven’t gotten over that whole I-only-have-two-hands problem. My guess is this book has all you’ll ever need to know to elevate your puppet show from amateur to mediocre. Puppet shows are retarded, and I shudder to think what some readers might consider their “third hand.”
6. How to Keep Your DO-IT-YOURSELF VIDEO From Looking Like You Did It Yourself
If your efforts at stimulating conversation failed to attract new friends, odds are you’ve turned to misery’s favorite medium: VHS. There is no more telltale sign that you’ve hit social rock bottom than the sad realization that a “how to” book is exactly what you need to spice up that video dating submission. “Oh! Maybe I SHOULDN’T wear my ‘Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start’ t-shirt!” Sitting under a black light blaring “My Endless Love” won’t work either, Fabio.
5. How to Read a Book
So… basically you’re telling me that you couldn’t actually read the last five books. Instead, you traced the pretty pictures and furrowed your brow at the confusing squiggles. I’m sure this book has some breakthrough method of teaching someone to read that doesn’t actually require reading… maybe… an audio tape? Genius! How to Read a Book:(audio cassette tape)
4. End the Struggle and Dance with Life: How to Build Yourself Up When the World Gets You Down
This methodology never really works. Dancing never has and never will end struggling, no matter how much of it you seem to do. Obviously, your drought of positive self-esteem has led you down this path, but please, PLEASE DON’T KID YOURSELF! This book will only lead to people staring at your freaky, awkward dance.
3. How to Make a Journal of Your Life
“Dear diary, today I bought a book to help make you more interesting. No more puppet-talk for me!” Here’s where the self-help train derails. Yes, you are your own worst critic, but you don’t need a book to help you write to yourself.
2. How to Think Like A Horse: The Essential Handbook for Understanding Why Horses Do What They Do
Honestly, what? ”There are no words. They should have sent a poet.”
1. The My Little Pony Collector’s Inventory: A Complete Checklist of All US Ponies, Playsets and Accessories from 1981 to 1992
We have a winner. This may not be a verbatim “Do-it-yourself” book but the implications are strong. You need some serious help with your compilation of My Little Pony dolls. Is Buttercup mint condition or only near mint? Your collection has grown so vast that you now must—and we pause for the absurdity of the next statement—check off every single Pony you’ve collected from 1981 to 1992. Maybe you missed one… that would be tragic.
That, my friends, is a sad, solid list of “how-to” books for social mutants. If you or someone you know owns even one of these books, my suggestion is to hold an intervention. There’s no shame in quitting while you’re behind. Legitimate authors everywhere will thank you.
Related Posts
- A real page turner…
- Pimp Your Patio for the Summer
- DVD Guy’s Top 10 Sports Dramas
- 10 Hair Solutions for Britney