17 Awesomely Bad Action Movies

Occasionally a movie comes out that is bad on so many levels that you just can’t seem to get enough of it. You know the kind I’m talking about. Terrible acting, over-dramatic dialogue, unneeded and scientifically impossible stunts, scantly clad women, etc, etc, etc. At first, you feel you’ve wasted 90 minutes of your life watching a bunch of explosions loosely tied together around some mundane plot. Then you watch it a second time. And a third time. And then a fourth. And then, before you know it, you’re quoting that horrible movie amongst your friends.

Let me tell you: I straight up love those movies.

I compiled a list of 13 movies so terribly made, so ill-conceived, that they’re sure to boil the blood of those pretentious film students you went to college with that only watch art house films made for under $20,000 and shown in the bowels of high-class, run-down theaters too classy to show any Hollywood production.

Note: this list is numbered in completely random order. Asking me to rank these movies would be like asking a father to choose his favorite child. Yeah, he may have one, but they’ll never admit to it, because all of them have a special place in his heart just like these movies do for me.

1. Top Gun – Top Gun may be the archetype of this particular sub-genre of movies. It’s got it all – terrible dialogue, bad acting, motorcycles, fighter jets, with a couple of explosions thrown in too. And who can forget the homoerotic shirtless volleyball game cut to the tune of Kenny Logins’ “Hanging With the Boys?” Some will argue that this is indeed a good movie, but lets face it. Is there a worse, more predictable line than “You are still dangerous…. But you can be my wing man any time?” I say there is not. Except for maybe, “Maverick. Supersonic. Be there in 30 seconds.” Is there another movie this awesomely bad? Negative Ghost Rider, the pattern is full.

2. Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift – There’s no arguing this one. There’s not a single scene in this movie that actually makes sense. First off, how the hell does this work out: a kid who just drove through a house gets sent to Japan to live with his father instead of going to jail. This just doesn’t happen. And please, show me anyone who can go to Japan and within one day be associated with the Yakuza. Let’s forget about all of that and just focus in on how truly awesome this movie is. There’s fast, tricked-out cars, crazy race scenes, very scantly clad hot girls, some of the worst acting this side of Keanu Reeves, and a cameo by the one and only Vin Diesel. This movie comes on HBO at least twice a day right now, and I watch it every time.

3. Over The Top – Sylvester Stallone was in way too many awesomely bad movies to list them all, so I decided to just pick one. And what better entry is there than Over the Top? I haven’t seen this movie in a long time, so I don’t remember too much of it. But one thing I did take away was that when in doubt, flip your hat around and wear it backwards for extra power. If this isn’t your style, Sly has an entire catalog of terribly good movies to choose from, including: Judge Dredd, Cliffhanger, and Stop or My Mom Will Shoot.

4. No Holds Barred – Hulk Hogan’s attempt at acting is admirable because even he must have known just how insanely bad he was at it. Now throw Jesse “The Body” Ventura (first of two future governors in movies on this list) and Tiny Lister into the mix, and you have gold Jerry, gold. Who is Tiny Lister you might ask? You may know him as Zeus – one of the freakiest “athletes” ever to step foot in the squared circle of the WWF. Hogan had some other really bad movies such as Suburban Commando and Mr. Nanny, but neither of those two can come close to the level of terrible awesomeness that No Holds Barred achieves. Oddly enough, the plot line of the this movie played out in “real life” when Hogan left the WWF for the upstart WCW in which he formed the N.W.O.

5. Pitch Black – I’ve written about my affinity for Pitch Black in the past, but this is another movie that defines the genre. Vin Diesel’s first leading role makes as little sense as the rest of the movies on this list, but that doesn’t make it any less awesome. Cole Hauser also makes another failed attempt at being an action star as Riddick’s bounty hunter. Hauser has been in blockbusters such as Paparazzi, 2 Fast 2 Furious, and Hart’s War. This was one of the very first DVDs I ever bought, and I haven’t once doubted the purchase – especially after reading the testimony of such credible sources as “TNT Roughcut” and “Northwest Cable News” that the packaging touts.

6. Street Fighter – I really didn’t want too many Jean-Claude Van Damme movies on this list, but SF2 was just too bad to pass up. The acting was positively terrible, even when you consider the source and the intended audience. But Kyle Minogue looked damn hot. How exactly Van Damme was cast as the blond haired, All American character Guile I’m not quite sure, but then again logic was never really the cornerstone of any of his movies.

7. Tango and Cash – This movie features the under utilized comedy action duo of Sylvester Stallone and Kurt Russell – two actors whose entire careers are the epitome of awesomely bad movies. Remember Overboard? Yeah you do. Anyway, this movie is a slight ripoff of Lethal Weapon with the 2 contrasting detectives – Russell as Gabriel Cash and Sly as Ray Tango. Who cares if this was a carbon copy of other detective comedies – this movie rules. Tango and Cash also featured Teri Hatcher when they were both still very real and very spectacular, which alone makes this movie worthy of the list.

8. Big Trouble in Little China – Seriously, look at that movie cover and tell me this movie doesn’t kick ass. Our second Russell installment on this list packs just as much as the previous, even if it is void of Stallone’s acting genius. Sans Sly, Russell delivers power-packed lines such as “Ready? I was BORN ready,” and “This is Jack Burton in the Pork Chop Express, and I’m talkin’ to whoever’s out there.” Case closed.

9. Super Mario Brothers – Dennis Hooper as King Koopa – that is pretty much all you need to know about this rather forgettable early 90s action flick. Throngs of loyal Super Mario Brothers fans anxiously awaited this movie only to be largely disappointed. In retrospect, maybe we were all just a little too young at the time to fully grasp how bad this movie was and therefore couldn’t fully appreciate the awesomeness that just oozes out it.

10. 6th Day – What could be more awesomely bad than a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger? A movie with Arnold getting cloned gives us twice the line-bungling, aging action hero greatness! The scenes that feature both Arnolds are pieces of cinematic history, which should be forever glorified. The movie’s conclusion, depicting one Arnold telling the other, “I am you,” could make me laugh any day of the week.

11. Universal Soldier – How can a movie starring Dolph Lundgren AND Jean-Claude Van Damme not make this list? In this flick, Lundgren and Van Damme are Vietnam soldiers brought back to life as super-human killing machines. How exactly were they brought back to life? Who cares? Don’t expect the movie to actually explain any of that. All you need to know is that Lundgren and Van Damme have some monumentally awkward exchanges and beat the hell out of a lot of stuff and each other.

12. Double Impact (1991) – Honestly this is the last Van Damme. Much like 6th Day with two Arnolds, Double Impact two Jeans could not be overlooked. According to IMDB, the tagline for this gem is “Two brothers separated by the violence. Now together in a mission of revenge.”

13. Speed – Even though this is actually one of his better performances, Keanu Reaves has never been accused of good acting. Speed was actually a very entertaining movie, and Sandra Bullock was able to ride her performance into a career of mediocre quasi-comedy hits. But nothing with Reaves can really be taken too seriously. Speed also marks the second appearance of Dennis Hooper as a madman. Good thing he never got typecast.

14. The One – Jet Li has made some pretty good action movies in his day. This wasn’t one of them. It wasn’t his fault. The director wanted Jet to talk and act and all that silly stuff that takes away from him smashing people with motorcycles. That’s right, Jet actually picks up a motorcycle and straight slaps a dude in the face with it. If that doesn’t define “awesomely bad” then I don’t know what does.

15. Masters of the Universe – Any kid who grew up playing with He-Man toys secretly loves this movie. Before Dolph Lundgren played the steroid injecting, boxing sensation Ivan Drago, he played the title role of He-Man – who, as the title suggests, is the Master of the Universe. Despite some of the worst acting ever to find its way to the silver screen, Lundgren delivers a dynamite performance that no one else could have. Courtney Cox also appears in her breakout role as a cute teenage girl – a role she still desperately tries to play to this day. If you ever yelled the phrase, “I haaaaaaaave the poooooooower” as a youngster, you can’t deny your complete adoration for this cinematic masterpiece.

16. Forest Warrior – Honestly, I have never seen or heard of this movie, but Chuck Norris simply had to be represented on this list. Since those damn Hollywood bureaucrats never green-lighted a full blown Walker Texas Ranger movie, this will have do. Just look at the movie cover and tell me that you won’t enjoy watching Chucky parade around dressed like Daniel-freaking-Boone. If only Trivette could have joined Norris for another series of wacky antics and roundhouse kicks in this 98 minute masterpiece.

17. Demolition Man – I wanted a Wesley Snipes movie on this list, and I absolutely refuse to call any of the films in the Blade Trilogy bad (even if it is awesomely bad). Blade’ll kill a vampire, and I don’t mess with that. Besides, using Demolition Man gives me an excuse to get another Sly Stallone movie on the list, and I think we’re all better off because of that. And just look at the names for these two acting giants: Sly is John Spartan and Wesley is Simon Phoenix – classically bad names.

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This entry was posted on Thursday, May 24th, 2007 at 3:30 pm and is filed under Movies. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.