Top 10 Tools to Justify Your Manhood
May 3rd, 2007 | Author: Jessica Shopson | Category: Uncategorized | |By Rebecca Ullman
Studies have shown a direct correlation between testosterone levels and tool quantity. What does this means to you? In order to prove your status as a strappingly macho, stallion-like individual, it’s imperative that you immediately turn off Oprah, remove your genitalia from between your legs, and purchase a multitude of masculine hardware. Put on a flannel shirt while you’re at it. If feasible, sprinkle a little saw dust on your sleeves.
No more crying and whimpering about your empty toolbox. It’s time to grab hold of some large, powerful instruments and feel like a man again. Here’s a list of tools, appliances, and accessories that’ll put some hair on your chest:
10. Delta Seven-Spray Hand Shower and Massage, Chrome #75700
Do you find that one shower head setting can never fully remove those pesky body wash suds from your skin? Are your pores constantly clogged? Maybe it’s time to invest in a shower-head with not one, but SEVEN deep-massaging settings: the Delta Seven-Spray Hand Shower and Massage. Let Delta’s continuous, pulsating spray jets massage and relieve your tight pores for deep relaxation (by “relieve your tight pores” we really mean relieve other body parts… none of which include pores).
Warning: Delta is not responsible for increases in monthly water bills.
9. Pink Tool Belt 11PTB 11-pocket Leather Tool Belt
Beads of sweat are plowing down your forehead. Agony surges through every inch of your muscles. Clutching destructive machinery, your rugged hands turn pale at the knuckle. You have, however, managed to remain dainty and delicate with every loose doorknob you secure. Your waist screams “construction chic” as your pink pocketed leather tool belt brings new meaning to the title, “Mr. Fix-It.”
8. Delta 46-404 Inboard French Curl Tool Rest for Wood Lathes
The Delta 46-404 Inboard French Curl Tool Rest for Wood Lathes boasts fancy cast-iron construction with a thousand and one uses. The conventional man can use his Delta Inboard French Curl as a place to rest his wood lathes. Seriously, why hold wood lathes when you can just rest them on your French curl? This dynamic device can also be used for more crafty pursuits, such as a makeshift top to spin in your hands when bored in the shop; the curl-shape is fun to twirl. Forget about wood lathes; the French Curl makes a great shoe-horn as well. Find fast foot relief the French Curl way!
7. Empire Manufacturing OCDTS-8B 8oz.Dri-Tool Lubricant (non-aerosol)
Just lube and enjoy!
6. Peltor Professional Noise Canceling Earmuff # H10A
Trouble blocking out the busy noise of the world around you? Feel a desire for inner harmony? Isolate yourself from all but your own brilliant thoughts. Peltor Professional Noise Canceling Earmuffs can be worn throughout the day in the company of others. Put on a pair of Peltor Professionals, and peace and quiet will ensue (best worn while mumbling to yourself with your head down). Feeling sheepish about taking your new ear candy public? Peltor Professionals work just as well in the privacy of your own home. If your wife thought you were unresponsive and apathetic before, she’s in for a real treat!
5. Alltrade 648796 Honda Crankcase Pulley Removal Tool
Finally, Alltrade has designed a durable, state-of-the-art piece of equipment, made with top-of-the-line hardened chrome molybednum steel construction, capable of removing and installing crankcase pulley bolts in most Honda and Acura engines. Or – for those of you who have no idea what a crankcase pulley bolt is – just secure the metal to your dashboard, and enjoy an extra cup holder! Don’t you hate it when you have too many beverages and not enough cup holders?
4. Rubbermaid Tough Tools 70320 56-Piece Portable Tool Case
Prior to this ingenious Rubbermaid concept, your predecessors were forced to brave the public sans arsenal. Now, with this portable tool case, you need never go a moment unarmed. Your tools will be at your disposal when you need them most – whether at the grocery store, your daughter’s ballet recital, or Uncle Hymie’s birthday party. Best of all, the Rubbermaid carrying case accents any outfit in your wardrobe, from formal to militia wear.
3. Charcoal Companion Amazing Bug Zapper
Spring is in the air, and it’s perfect weather for a rousing game of tennis in your skimpy Bermuda shorts. But right as you thwack that 30-love serve, an incessant buzzing horde descends upon the court, forcing the racquet from your hand. Maybe now it’s time to reach into your gym bag for that other racquet - your Charcoal Companion Amazing Bug Zapper racquet! Swing away at those intrusive winged vermin and take back the court! While Wilson may have gone soft on insect assassin, Charcoal soldiers ahead as your friendly neighborhood hit-man. WHACK! Looks like “some buggy” picked a bad time to step into your backswing!
Need to kill a man quickly and discreetly? The Paladin PowerPlay is for you. Who needs a toolbox when you can pack all your tools on your person at once? If you thought Robert De Niro looked cool in “Taxi Driver,” then you will love this 24-Tools-in-1 pocket-sized weapon of destruction. With one quick flip, on-lookers will quiver at your awesome power.
1. Alltrade 648827 12mm Jam Nut Valve Adjustment Tool
Having difficultly screwing in your jam nut? Can’t get it tight enough? Perhaps you’re simply unskilled at adjusting valves. No reason to let those manly cheeks turn a girlish shade of crimson. You are not alone. Many men share this performance problem and still lead fulfilling lives. Luckily, Alltrade has a solution. Jam your nuts with ease; adjust your valves with grace. Alltrade’s Jam Nut Valve Adjustment Tool – put THAT in your toolbox.
- - - - -
By following this sound advice, you can once again count yourself among the elite class of truck driving, beer-swilling leaders of the free world. If none of this appeals to you, maybe try out one last tool: a vice grip. Just insert testicles, and tighten. Real men use tools, and it seems you may no longer be in need of your own.
Related Posts
- It’s time to break out those tool and start grilling!
- IS HI-DEF WORTH THE HIGH PRICE TAG?
- Choosing an Outdoor Grill
- For All Of Your Alcohol Drink-making Needs
- A questionable spy tool…
- Summer Activities Away from the Beach
- Toaster and microwave in 1
- 10 Hair Solutions for Britney